Each week, a developing sexuality professional that works with the CSPH reviews a sexuality or gender-related issue that appears in the media and reflects upon how it challenged them in ways they didn’t expect in an effort to show the process of growth they undergo while becoming sexuality professionals. This week, a guest writer, Simon Leen, is responding to an article from CNN, “When Rape Jokes Aren’t Funny”
Daniel Tosh’s recent rape-joke-related troubles are interesting from a number of different angles, one of which is handled quite well by Julie Burton and Michelle Kinsey Bruns from the Women’sMediaCenter. They address what they refer to as the “empathy gap” between men and women regarding the topic of rape and speculate on the causes of this gap, which they believe includes an insensitivity on the part of men to the difficulties faced by women living in a culture where rape is all too common.
This strikes a little close to home. I’m a guy. I’d like to think of myself as a fairly empathetic guy and one who is quick to police myself and others when it comes to what I take to be belittling behavior towards minorities of any stripe. But I’d be lying if I claimed that I had never laughed at a rape joke. Maybe not all of them, maybe not the crude ones, and maybe not Tosh’s, but I’ve laughed. And before one suggests that perhaps I only laugh at the “funny ones,” I have no doubt that I’ve laughed at any number of rape jokes that I’m sure many women wouldn’t find in the least bit funny. I’ve even, I must admit, told at least one rape joke in my time, and it isn’t one with many redeeming qualities.
So, am I insensitive? This article would perhaps be more interesting if my first instinct were to blame feminists for being humorless, as that sort of behavior tends to elicit a response. But I have a natural tendency to assume that the problem lies somewhere within me. As a natural analogy, I imagined my reaction to someone making a Holocaust joke. It’s been some time since someone has made one in my presence, but I imagine I’d be more than a little upset. Too soon and all that.
So maybe I am just insensitive. Some people don’t understand how listening to Holocaust jokes affects me, and I don’t personally understand how rape jokes affect women. But this got me thinking about Holocaust jokes and why I sometimes find them upsetting. The Holocaust was bad. Really bad. And making light of it can suggest that it wasn’t so bad, and that’s pretty close to suggesting that my being tossed in an oven wouldn’t be so bad, and that’s not something I’m okay with. So perhaps when I laugh at a rape joke, I’m suggesting that I don’t find it objectionable when women are raped.
But I do. A lot. So something must be amiss. The thing is, there are all sorts of Holocaust jokes that I’m just fine with: those told by Jews, those where the Germans are the butt of the jokes, or those told in good humor by close gentile friends. What’s different about these jokes that make them so much more palatable? It isn’t that they aren’t mean-spirited; many of the jokes that I do find offensive aren’t mean-spirited at all. Rather, it is, I think, that they’re told not only with the understanding that these sorts of jokes can appear to alienate individuals or condone abhorrent behavior, but they’re also being told in ways, or by people, that make it clear that they aren’t meant to do either. When a Jew tells a Holocaust joke, I know he or she understands, and when a close friend does, I know he or she doesn’t intend to offend and is cognizant of the offense he or she can cause if it’s told in a careless manner. If the butt of the joke is the SS, it is clear that the teller is telling the joke in part to make the precise point that the Holocaust wasn’t okay.
It is tempting, then, to suggest that I ought to only laugh at those rape jokes that are careful to not cause offense. But this is no mean feat; how can I tell which ones have been crafted with an eye to avoiding offense without asking those who may be offended? And at that point, the opportunity for humor is rather lost. Here, I think, is where we find the crux of the issue: it is all too easy for those who are prone to offense to assume that potentially offensive jokes commit the sin of ignoring their potential offensiveness. And it is all too easy for those who aren’t prone to offense to assume that any offense caused is no more than an example of an overly touchy subject with no sense of humor. But, as in all things, one must strive to understand, empathize with, and give the benefit of the doubt to the other.
It is my responsibility as a Jew to understand that not all Holocaust jokes are meant as degradations of the Jews, even those told by Germans. I must always ask myself, upon hearing such a joke, whether it was really meant to offend, or if it was merely a (relatively) innocent oversight, or perhaps even an honest attempt to create cathartic humor.
And it is my duty as a joke enjoyer—and occasional teller—to understand that jokes are dangerous. They can hurt and they can divide. I ought to take care to weigh the likelihood that I cause offense. Am I telling a joke at the expense of a particularly disadvantaged group, or to an audience that was recently disadvantaged? Am I a part of the disadvantaged group? Is my audience likely to either contain those who are the butt of the joke or who are prone to being antagonistic?
But, above all, it is my duty as a joke teller to understand the difficulties inherent in being the butt of a joke, and it is my duty as an occasional joke-butt to understand the difficulties of being a joke teller. Humor is too important to suggest that jokes ought not be told, and inclusiveness is too important to suggest that all jokes are permissible. As with so many things, it is a struggle to determine which jokes are appropriate, which are inappropriate, and which straddle the line. But, at the end of the day, what is important is not that we are sure that a particular joke has been categorized correctly, but that we’ve struggled to figure out where it ought to go and that we’re open to the suggestion that we may have erred in our findings.
-Simon P. Leen
Why not make it simpler?
“I pledge that the next time I hear someone tell or laugh at a rape joke, I’m going to do the right and uncomfortable thing. I’m going to tell them that it’s not okay to make rape jokes.”
It’s incredibly important to have MEN call other men on their bad behavior.
You’re spending a lot of time trying to figure out whether what women have to say — rape jokes aren’t funny — is valid or not, through an extended analogy to Holocaust jokes. How would you feel if a non-Jewish person spent as many paragraphs trying to draw a line between the “good” Holocaust jokes and the “bad” holocaust jokes? I kind of feel the same way about men trying to figure out what the “good” and “bad” rape jokes are.
It would be so much better and more helpful if you took that energy you’re using to figure out whether to listen to what women have to say and used it to talk to other men — in particular, to tell them to knock it off when they pull sexist crap.
In short, I’m disinclined to make such a pledge because I think that, on occasion, rape jokes are legitimately funny and perfectly permissible to make.
It is incredibly important for men to call other men out on their bad behavior. Just as it is important for men to call women out on their bad behavior, and women to call men out on theirs, and so on and so forth. I sometimes struggle to do so myself, but I try. The issue here is trying to figure out quite what constitutes bad behavior, and that is something else I struggle with.
That’s a good question. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I can say a whole lot more than ‘that depends.’ If someone spends a bunch of paragraphs trying to figure out if some Holocaust joke they’ve come up with is acceptable and he’s doing so in a way that is considerate of my sensibilities as a Jew and he is honestly trying to make sure he isn’t being needlessly offensive…that’s pretty awesome. That goes a long way to showing that he cares and that the issue is something he is concerned with, and I’m far more interested in knowing that my well-being (and the well-being of Jews generally) is something that he cares about than I am the content of any particular joke he may make. This brings up a point that I think I did a rather poor job of making in the original post. I think that a lot of the problem with rape jokes (and Holocaust jokes and so on) is not that the content of the joke exposes some overt sexism (or racism or so on) but that telling the joke belies a certain casualness about the possibility of sexism. It is as if the joke teller cannot be bothered to consider that perhaps the joke is in poor taste, and this cavalier attitude is what I generally find galling about these jokes. So ya…if a gentile wanted to find out which Holocaust jokes are ok, I’d down with that. Honestly, I’d prefer that to him telling whichever ones struck his fancy and his never telling any at all. Some of them are kinda funny.
I hesitate to open this particular can of worms, but I would find your last paragraph more compelling if I had any idea what ‘women have to say’. In my limited experience, women have all sorts of different things to say, just like Jews do. To be honest, if every woman I know told me that rape jokes are just never funny, I’d concede that perhaps I just don’t quite understand why they aren’t, but fair enough, they shouldn’t be told. But most women I know do find *some* rape jokes funny. I’m just struggling to figure out which ones are the funny ones.
But, overall, yes, I, and everyone else, ought to tell anyone who does anything wrong, to knock if off. Be it sexist or otherwise.